July 13, 2007; Today was a very special day for me. About 5:30 in the afternoon Kevin and I were planting flowers for Cindy when I got a phone call from Alan Loveless. The details were not completely clear but the essence was that grandpa Sherwood and had suffered a heart attack and had been resuscitated and transported to Virginia Mason Hospital about four o'clock in the afternoon. Grandma would not answer her cell phone and so the assumption was that she was in very poor emotional condition. Cindy and I changed our clothes and headed for the hospital. On the way we called mom and Randy. A flood of thoughts went through our heads as we contemplated the arrival of the day that both of us had hoped would never come. The good news was that he was stable but there was a sense of foreboding. He had never had a heart attack and Donna's summary of recent behavior painted a picture of increasing frailty and cause for alarm.
What we found when we reach the hospital was a classic example of how information can be distorted and confused in a crisis. The full story is that grandpa had problems in the morning after breakfast about 10 o'clock. He was helping grandma with a batch of raspberry jam when he suddenly said he had to sit down and headed for his couch. He hollered for grandma when he reached the couch. His heart was slowing down dramatically and he was feeling that he was dying. He expressed that to grandma who called 911 but as she did so he told her “no, don't take me to the hospital”. Well she hung up the phone but as 911 will do, they rang back immediately and so she told them what was going on. Grandpa was panicked and he told grandma that he was dying.
The medics and the aid car arrived quickly and as they moved grandpa out to the aid car and worked on him grandma got the impression that they were reviving him. In fact they did not have to revive him as he was not going into cardiac arrest. They took him to the local hospital where he was in stable condition through the day. In the end it turns out that the probable cause was some of the medications that he was taking to slow his heart rate down. Brachial Cardiac is when the heart rate drops to critical levels. Well we all know that even at 99 1/2 his heart rate is that of much younger men and so it seems that this medicine which would be appropriate for most senior citizens was simply slowing it down too much. His doctor, Dr. Montez, wanted him down at Virginia Mason so at four o'clock in the afternoon he was transported to Seattle. The doctor has completely removed one of the medications and hopes by Saturday to confirm that it was the problem at which point he should be able to go home.
Cindy and I got there a little after 6:00 and found grandma quite distraught but she seemed to perk up quickly as we spent time with her. Grandpa was very bright and periodically wondered out loud why he was there. Staff came in and changed his IV and he was hooked up to a four wire monitor. He was quick to smile and as we talked he joked and teased the nurses. Grandma had a real hard time reciting the details of the day but when we focused on what was going on right now and talked grandpa she was fine. Her two friends from the ward showed up later and that brightened her spirits as well.
I had read Donna's e-mail and it really set a somber expectation but I have to tell you how absolutely wonderful it was to spend time with him. When I walked in I said “hey partner how you doing?” He responded immediately by looking through the window and saying “well I'd rather be on a saddle pony”. Ironically he seemed more energetic and lively through the course of the evening than I have seen him in a long time. I watched as a nurse took his blood pressure and it was a little high for grandpa. 130/65 and for those who don't know, that is a very good for a 30-year-old man but grandpa has had approximately 120/60 his whole life. We talked for a while and I told him stories of our recent pioneer trek and a few other things that he seemed very interested in and followed with great detail. He patiently watched with great interest as the staff worked on him. They apologized as they pulled tape off of his arms and poked him with needles but he never flinched and just watched with interest.
Later he was restless and set up on the edge of the bed just like he does on the couch, and then said that he needed to get up and stretch. I asked the nurse if it was okay for him to go for a walk and she said if we were careful it would be okay. Scott and Janell had arrived so we put on his slippers and off we went down the hallway. Well the truth is it was almost hard to keep up with him. I was pushing the IV dolly trying not to clip his heels and not have him walk away from it. Scott was holding the controller for his EKG and it looked like a remote control. Scott asked grandpa if you push the red button would it make you jump, to which he laughed and said “maybe”. We did a long lap and he would glance into each room of critical patients which almost seemed to spur him to pick up his pace. As we returned to his doorway we asked if he'd had enough to which he replied “I guess so for now”. As we put him into his bed, it wasn't quite right. The bend in the bed did not match where his hips should be so he fidgeted and as I tried to help him I could not help it be struck by the strength of his muscles. Now there's not as many of those muscles left but they were sure taught and capable of lifting himself. He is so amazing.
The nurse commented “those can't be the legs of the 99-year-old” and she was talking about their appearance more than their ability to zip down the hall and back. Cindy and Janell commented that the skin on his back was so smooth and tanned and wrinkle free. He did not have his eyes narrowed in slits but rather he was alert and his eyes were clear, open and very attentive.
Scott and I gave grandpa and grandma both blessings and the spirit was very calm. I felt of his greatness when I placed my hands on his head. I was almost intimidated to be in that position. They brought dinner for grandpa and it was enough for both he and grandma and with some encouragement they both eat heartily. I made the kitchen staff scurry around until they found some raspberry jam which grandpa and grandma both enjoyed on their dinner roll for dessert.
After Scott and Janell left grandpa set up one more time and needed a stretch. This was 10 o'clock last night and about his normal bedtime, so he and I took one more walk. This one was not quite as brisk or as long, and again he looked into each room that we passed by and then moved on. Again I felt the strength of this amazing man as I helped him find that spot that would make those horrible beds tolerable for the night. I tucked him in like one of my own kids and he looked up and smiled and we talked about how great families are. As he thanked and complemented and I gave him the credit and told him he was my hero. He said that he was glad that maybe he had a little bit to do with how his posterity turns out. They brought a cot for grandma and we said goodnight.
On the way home I ran some very awkward scenarios in my head. I thought of how Donna had described the last few weeks and I thought of how I had not seen him in that frail a poor condition. I wondered how I would have felt if he had died and I thought about how ugly it could've been or even might be when his body does give out and I cringed at the memory and the picture in my head. I prayerfully pondered how to keep this in perspective and how this is part of a good life and a plan that makes sense. In that pondering the eyes of my understanding were opened. I thought of the way the nurses treated him kindly but like a large child and an invalid. They did not know the man and if they did they would have been humbled to be in his presence. I thought of this man who is an icon and I thought of him in his physical prime possessing the wisdom of 100 meaningful years and I realized that should he die this moment he would pass through the veil standing tall and strong and his appearance would be glorious. In a moment he would transform from a frail and suffering little old man to who he really was. I realized that many people hold onto their last experience and last memories to their detriment. And to the degree that we hold onto the ugliness or the pain of the final experience we keep it alive and all too often wallow in it. All the while, the person for whom we grive is experiencing a wonderful home coming where pain and suffering and fear and anquish are far removed.
So I pictured been able to be on both sides of the passing of a loved one. In other words what would it be like to go with them across the veil. Even if their death was tragic or gruesome, being able to see the fulfillment on the other side, I imagined continuing to talk with the person and saying “wow that was really tough, sure glad it's over”. And it would be over and by all accounts it would be glorious for one who had lived such a strong, meaningful and healthy life. It would just be part of his life and legacy. And as I imagined standing with him we talked about the experience in the past tense. The present and future were glorious.
When we hold onto and keep reliving in their minds the bad context, the pain, the heart ache and the loss, we keep it alive and get stuck in a loop. While grieving is a requisite part of the process of letting go it does not have to be debilitating. In my mind it seemed to better prepare me to face the inevitable one day. Not without emotion but rather to keep the big picture in mind. I will remember grandpa when it's time to remember him and the memories will include the last frail years and whatever pain and suffering that I may witness, but I will also know that the moment of passing will be a great release and a regeneration and a rejoicing. It will certainly be a rejoicing and celebratory moment on the other side for such a great life lived. And I hope that it can be such on this side as well. There will be a sense of loss and rightly so but the difficulties and the challenges and the ugliness and pain that can come with this life should be swallowed up in the big picture. I know, easier said than done.
The spirit bore witness to me that life neither begins nor ends on this earth. I had a view for a moment that stretched far in both directions. I felt very motivated to live my life so that I could say as my grandfather said last night “I have had a great life, I have enjoyed every moment and I have been so blessed”. All things considered he would rather be on a saddle pony but given the circumstances, he is going through it the very best he can and I hope I can follow in his footsteps.
As the years go by my father becomes more and more of an iconic figure to me. As I live the years I watched him live I am more and more impressed with his spiritual strength and stamina, his love for learning and his thirst for spiritual insight. He grows bigger as time passes. He and Grandpa Sherwood are my Twin Towers of example and inspiration. Elder Packer said we are not required to be perfect but to be found striving. Last night I was in the presence of Greatness and Gravitas. President Kimball said that his only desire was that he could endure to the end. Grandpa is handling this with all the grace he can and he is striving mightily and enduring well.
Ryan
Update; Saturday July 14, 2007, today Grandpa was released. During the night he got a bit disoriented and pulled his IV and wires off. The nurses got him hooked up again and in the morning Hazel called Scott to say they had cleared him to go home. Scott came down but it took until noon until they could walk out. Grandpa was still very chipper and spry. During the morning he repeatedly asked if there was there a shirt he can put on so he could go home. Hazel had company arrive shortly after they got home and Grandpa did well the rest of the day. Tonight he fell a sleep on the couch at 8:30 and was in good spirits.
Thanks to Scott for the help today.
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